Knitty Problems Knot Footwear

My battle with trendy footwear slips me into a snit. Or maybe a snood?

The web of knotty lies that tortures spines and minds.

In no world did I imagine squishing around in a beer koozie as a valid method of self-propelled transport. Yet the rampant ramp-up in production of produce bags as pavement plodders seems unstoppable. Yes, the knit shoe show is driving me to a showdown with gravity and skeletal permanence that defies the idea of being bipedal.

Did the concept start as a joke? "What if we used leftover swimsuits slapped onto a flipper and told people it was a shoe? Sure, it's jerry-rigged scuba gear from an old warehouse, but they'll never know!" In what world am I supposed to view this elasticized foot corset glued to an old pencil eraser as a magic new form of comfort and convenience worthy of excessive amounts of cold, hard cash? "We might run out of vintage 80s mesh bustiers and tutu chiffon, but there's gotta be a craft store around here somewhere for our next prototype...Wait! I've got an old boogie board and some mosquito netting in the garage. Sorted!"

It's not been easy to strap a laundry bag onto my feet and a) go forward while b) preventing massive asphalt impact. Oh, how did we come to this impasse? How are brands getting away with hawking glorified water socks as genuine footwear? It's possible I'm the only one having trouble flailing around in a fishing net superglued to a flip-flop; it could just be a medical quirk of my own.

I mean, I do get it; hardened leather hobnailed on wooden blocks wasn't exactly dream flex or cloud cushion. Some type of change from the concrete-meets-concrete options of yore was necessary. Shoes probably shouldn't feel like trying to haul around a mini-condo that had more in common with housing materials than portable gear. But how is a compression bra for my feet a better choice? Not all parts move the same, so not all parts need the same movement solutions. Choking off my blood supply in a pricey branded torniquet billed as innovation is no way to oxygenate.

I guess I'll just keep scraping thrift stores for vulcanized rubber tires and canvas sails. You can keep your foot shapewear, thanks. I'll be cobbling some customized shoes here in a desperate attempt to save my spine from ga-sloshes.